Saturday, September 26, 2015


Since last updating a lot has happened..

I re-did my entire website! I love how it looks and I'm excited about how much cleaner it is now.

Funeral planning is moving along fairly well. There's still quite a bit to do but I'm making progress.

I'm compiling the rest of the material for my book so I can start working on the layout and getting everything in order. I'm excited and I think it'll be great when it's finished.

Music has been on hold for awhile now while I work on everything else. When I get bored (often) I switch up my focus, so I'm sure it'll change again soon!

I'm still waiting on getting enough money to finish buying scrapbooking supplies so I can start my grand adventure into putting more of my life on paper. I'm extremely excited to start scrapbooking and can't wait to see what I can do.

I'm still reading once in awhile but I need to get caught up on all of the books and movies I have been neglecting for too long.

Travel plans are still in the works and I'm taking a surprise mini trip next month that should be a lot of fun. I'm hoping to find a pumpkin patch since I haven't been since I was a little girl. Excited to be getting out and enjoying life!

Perhaps the biggest announcement is that I adopted a beautiful little Shih Tzu/Maltese mix to be my best friend. She's very sweet and loves to go for walks and get belly rubs. I also discovered that she loves grasshoppers and birds but she doesn't have any interest in earthworms. She's the best.

Finally, life is going great! I'm running out of energy since my new friend requires so much care and attention but I'm enjoying taking care of her and doing my best to take care of myself too. I'm looking forward to new adventures and (hopefully) more good surprises in the future.

Until then, just going to keep moving forward.

Thursday, August 6, 2015


A lot has been going on this year. I just partially rehauled my website so it'll be cleaner and hopefully load a lot smoother, as well as updating content on several social media profiles.

These past few months I've been focusing hard on trying to reach various goals throughout my life. I've compiled a "bucket list" of sorts but there are a few major projects that I've been working on and would like to have completed before I die.

A list of those things:

Funeral Planning (Yes, funeral planning.) - In talking about organ transplant and having so many people die, I've realized that it's extremely important that people know what your wishes are. I've been funeral planning and I'm seeing firsthand how complicated that can actually be. There are so many things to tackle when it comes to the topic and it can be overwhelming but it's also oddly kind of fun. It's like planning a giant sad party, only I hope it's not entire sadness. Anyway, aside from that I've been working on other projects too!

Finishing my book - I've always wanted to write a book and for several years now I've been working on one. I had my book almost entirely finished about a year ago when my computer decided to stop working and stupid me forgot to back up my files, so all of my hardwork has completely vanished, along with almost all of the content. I've been compiling poems, art, stories, photographs, and other forms of media lately that will be in my book. The idea is to have it done by Christmas so I can give everyone a copy as a gift. It's a huge undertaking but I'm determined to finally get it done!

Recording an EP - This is something that has been my dream since I was a little girl. I didn't know what an EP was at the time, but I always thought CDs in the stores were so beautiful and I wanted one to call my own. I've been songwriting for approximately ten or so years now and I love to sing. I'm hoping that I'll be able to record an EP. The cost is extremely expensive and it'll be a long time before I can record professionally in a studio, so until then I'm left battling whether I want to attempt doing it myself, recruiting friends, or going all in. My primary goals are to finish funeral planning and publish my book before I record my EP.

Scrapbooking - Scrapbooking has been a love of mine for awhile. I love being able to be creative and I'm slightly obsessed with photographs and memories so I'd love nothing more than to be able to put everything together in a cute little book. This unfortunately also takes a lot of money and a lot of time, two things that are sort of working against me here.. but again, I'm working on it.

Books and Movies - I have a wish list of books and movies that I'd love to read and watch. Entertainment is great when I want to take a break from doing the other things I listed above.

Travel - I want to take one last family trip with all of us together. (It's a surprise.) My mom keeps saying she wants to go to see "The Presidents' heads" and my aunt mentioned how beautiful the Black Hills are. I looked up some photos and how much it would cost and I'm pretty much sold. It's a decent distance trip and probably the last time I'll travel that far away unless I end up getting a double lung transplant. Anyway, I want all of us to get together for once and have fun and take photos and I want to be able to look back on it and smile.

Dog - I've been wanting a dog for about a year now. It's been quiet around where I live and there's not a lot to do. I think a dog could be a great way for me to stay motivated to take care of myself and I'd love to have someone to love who loves me back.

Treatments and life - Treatments and life in general are exhausting. I get really tired just from trying to do everything. My parents have kindly been doing my laundry and I've pretty much only been eating pre-made snacks and meals so I don't have to cook. Showering gets exhausting so mom bought me one of those shower benches. I've been thinking about getting a wheelchair eventually but the other day I tried forcing myself to jog, even though it can be difficult to walk. I'm trying to break the mold of getting used to being sick. I want to live and have fun!

Those are just some of my goals and dreams. There's a lot to enjoy in life and I wish I would've started doing all of this earlier but I'm glad that I'm doing it now. I can't wait to accomplish something from my list!

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Post-Tori Feels Part 4

Okay, so I mentioned what happened before the show and during the show but now I thought I would mention how I feel collectively about the entire thing and how it felt compared to her last show.

I've only been to a handful of shows in my life. However, I've seen Tori twice now. Her first show was entirely acoustic, just her and her guitar. At her first show I was literally front row center stage and could've put my water bottle on stage had I not been afraid security would carry me away. The venue was a little smaller at her first show I think though the size was fairly similar due to the structure of the building if I had to guess. At the first show I went to it was more organized and Tori didn't have anyone to open for her.

I liked that this show was in a nicer setting and the crowd wasn't as rude. I also liked that Tori performed both with and without the band since it brought a lot of energy to the show and a different dynamic. I loved hearing Us perform before Tori and getting to hear so many songs. I loved the crowd participation moments and little moments in between songs.

I didn't like where I sat for this show. I wish the pictures I tried to take didn't all turn out blurry since I was too far away and I wish my phone didn't die before some of my videos were saved. I liked being able to see how the crowd reacted but I didn't feel as much like I was a part of the show and the energy didn't feel the same at all. At the last show I remembered every little detail and could replay it over in my head but this one didn't leave the same after effect. Oddly enough, it felt sort of surreal like it was there and then the moment passed so quickly like it had hardly even happened at all. I didn't like not being able to see very well and I felt like the area I was in could've been a little more excited to see Tori and be more involved.

I liked that I got to take cute photos with Tori and Us but I would've loved to just actually sit down and talk to them and get to know more about them as people and the things they like vs the things they don't like and I'd love to chat with people who appreciate music as much as I do. I don't mind the whole fangirl aspect to shows but it'd be really nice to just sit down and be 100% real and learn who these people really are and what their stories are.

Overall, I loved the show. I enjoyed meeting Us The Duo and appreciated getting to take photos and say hi to Tori. I do appreciate the little moments and loved the little small details and also the insanely large parts of the show. I'm a really big observer so I sort of take everything in and look at the mechanics of everything and how it all works and what doesn't work or could be better.. etc.

I wish given the amount of money I spent that it would've been a little more intimate and I would've gotten into the crowd instead of sitting on the sidelines, as well as getting to know the people behind their talents but I'm incredibly grateful for getting out to do what I love and watch others get to do what they love and are passionate about. It's extremely cool and amazing to me that music is a thing and that live music exists in a way that can connect people from all over the world to bond and feel a little less alone. It's an awesome thing and I'm glad that I could ever be a small part of it.

Post-Tori Feels Part 3

Onto the show!

Mom convinced me to sit on the side on some couches that were floating on a little platform on the edges of the ground floor. We sat with two people and then a nice lady came to sit next to me so it became a little crowded.

Papa Kellz came by and looked like he was on a mission but mom said hi and asked him if Tori's mom was there. He told me he remembered me and stopped to chat for a second so I told him about how I didn't know he was Tori's dad last time and I laughed. He was really sweet and shook our hands.

Then Andrew ran by with his camera looking like a secret ninja spy and I just said hi Andrew. He said hi and ran off to go do his thing.

Next Us came on stage and within the first five seconds I thought I was going to cry because their voices were mindblowingly beautiful. Their harmonies are insane. And then Michael started beatboxing and I wished Blake was there so he could enjoy it and I literally went from thinking they were two of the classiest, sweetest people I've ever met to two of the, classiest, sweetest, most badass people I've ever met. Their voices live are insane. The medley they did was incredible and I was left with my jaw dropped over how awesome they were. Before I met them I didn't really know much of anything about them and hadn't heard all of their music. I liked them but after the experience of meeting them and hearing them live I'm now a big fan. Glad I could be there and meet people as lovely as them.

Tori was amazing. Her vocals blow me away and the range of things she can do with her talent makes everything so exciting. The band was extremely talented. She performed Where I Belong/Expensive, Anyway, First Heartbreak, City Dove, Funny, Crazy, Thinking About You, Suit and Tie, PYT, Kiss, Paper Hearts, Unbreakable Smile, Nobody Love, Should've Been Us, Dear No One, and others.. with and without the band. I loved seeing her with and without the band and I thought it was a nice showcase of what she's capable of. The crowd seemed really into it, including the guy who screamed "I love you" after every song. I giggled after someone next to us said "we get it."

Apparently at one point someone threw a thong on stage. I saw something being thrown but I wasn't sure what it was.. I thought it was flowers since it was near the end of the show. She picked up a sign which I thought was cute and then later I discovered that was to cover up the thong. Something came out of the ceiling at the end which I thought was confetti or glitter but I read on twitter that it was actually bubbles. It was a crazy show and she did an incredible job commanding the stage.

Post-Tori Feels Part 2

After I met Carissa and Michael I wandered down to the first floor again to attend the listening party. I stood off to the side next to the speakers and the vibrations were crazy. I could feel it in my heart and my throat. Unfortunately for most of the listening party I was looking for my mom because she was also supposed to attend and I didn't see her. I spent a lot of time texting her and telling her that I got her a ticket so we wouldn't have to be separated. Therefore, I didn't actually hear some of what Tori was saying and to be completely honest I had fun at the listening party but it seemed really awkward. I can't imagine a bunch of people staring at me while I sit on a stage and we all listen to my songs. Tori was really sweet and nice about it but I thought it would turn out a little differently. I also didn't realize it would be clips of the songs, I thought it would be the full songs. So, my bad. I did work up the courage to raise my hand and ask her a question about whether she had tips for recording and producing. I meant tips as in notes but she basically just said that she grew up listening to music and playing in her room and messing around on garageband and Logic and slowly getting more stuff. I didn't find the exact answer I was looking for but it's nice that we both share similarities in music.

Moving on!

The meet and greet seemed like it took forever to get up the stairs for my turn. Since they didn't have a lot of people who just had listening party passes vs meet and greet passes, they let the listening party people have a meet and greet too. (My mom) Therefore, when it was finally our turn I said hi to Tori and introduced myself right away so I wouldn't forget like last time. We took our individual photo and then mom stepped in for our group photo. I don't think Tori remembered me at all, which was kind of expected. I gave her a gold feather bracelet last time at a show a few years ago and found out she gave it to a girl in the hospital in California. I told her thank you for giving it to her and that it connected us since we both have lung problems and she seemed happy to hear that it connected us and wondered where I got the bracelets from. I gave her the last feather bracelet that I was wearing and told her she could have that one since she gave the other one to the other girl. Those bracelets were my favourite but I still have the rest of the plain gold ones without the feathers from the set so I can always wear those. I wrote Tori a letter and forgot to give it to her so I gave it to a guy who worked there next to her at the meet and greet and he seemed confused. There's not a lot of time at meet and greets so I thought it would be nice to actually feel like I could talk to her that way. Hopefully he gave it to her. I'd like to think that he did.

Post-Tori Feels Part 1

So as you may know, I went to see Tori last Thursday (6-11-15) and I was excited about it but also kind of anxious and weird feeling. I thought I would blog about all the details and such since I got to get out of the house and have fun.

I packed up my stuff Thursday morning and made my way to Minneapolis. Initially the plan was to go to the hotel and then the venue but we didn't have enough time so a security guard at a parking ramp near the venue let me sneak in the staff only bathroom so I could change right before we had to be there. We went to McDonalds to grab something quick to eat nearby but I started feeling nauseous and the food wasn't very good so I only had a few fries, a chicken nugget, and a small portion of apple slices.

Mom and I made our way to a line outside of the venue around 4:15 pm and I asked some girls if we needed to grab our tickets from will call or not. A random guy came out of a bike shop and asked us if we knew where to get tickets. I informed him that the show was sold-out but mom was smart enough to remind me that I had an extra ticket since my friend didn't go. I offered him the ticket and he offered to pay me but I said I was just happy someone could use it. I gave him my number in case he had trouble getting in at the door since we would be in different groups. I found out his name was Leo and then mom and I soon got separated into different groups.

I was in the meet and greet line and then after a man came and put wristbands on us I got separated into yet another line since I also had a meet and greet for Us The Duo. He asked if any of us had tickets to meet and greets for both and I said I did so he told me that I would be going in first to meet Us and then after that I would run downstairs to join the listening party and then after that would be Tori's meet and greet.

After I took my ID out again, they gave me my Fahlo laminate badge and told me to head on up the stairs to meet Us. It was incredibly awkward because I didn't know where to go and there wasn't anyone to guide me so I just stumbled in while they were still taking things out of boxes. To be honest, I'm not even sure they were ready but they were very sweet and welcoming.

We talked about the drive up, the rain, and one of their videos. They handed me a beautiful little songbook that they signed and told me that they write their songs in it. I told them I usually type mine since my mind works too fast but that I love notebooks and then they asked me what instruments I play and I mentioned my youtube channel. Still wondering why I would mention my YouTube channel to them but it was really nice that they seemed interested. Michael typed it in on his phone and apparently found it.

Michael said he was good at taking selfies and I told them my eyes look stupid in photos so I put my sunglasses on and we took some really cute photos together. Carissa was so funny and adorable. A man from outside that told me I would be first came upstairs and said he had been looking all over for me. Apparently they were a little unorganized downstairs (oops) and I laughed and told him they told me to come up. Michael and Carissa hugged me again and thanked me for coming and we told each other to have a good show. They seemed to be genuinely wonderful people and it was great talking to them.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Pre-Tori Excitedness

I'm going to see Tori tomorrow at Varsity Theatre in Minneapolis. I keep going from not excited at all to over excited. I think it probably has more to do with my energy level than actual mood. I haven't been feeling very well but I'm beyond excited to get into the show atmosphere again. There is literally nothing like hearing live music. It has to be one of my favourite things in the entire universe. I love the energy and how everyone can feel so connected at the same time. Not to mention the level of talent and character of the people on stage is beyond fascinating to me. Literally like years of pain and suckage fall away when you live in moments like that. I've always joked that watching Tori is like watching someone have a musical exorcism. You don't just hear what she's singing but you feel it and it's so powerful and insane. I love it.

So anyway.

And I found out Us The Duo is opening for Tori so I'm even more excited now. I watched several of their videos years ago and I guess they're famous for vines now, which I haven't seen many of their vines.. but anyway. They are so cute.

And basically anytime I get to go out of the house and be around people who aren't related to me is awesome.

I'm nervous though. I'm trying to stay positive but I've been really worn out lately and tired and coughing, gagging.. etc. Not exactly an attractive way to say hello or be lively. I don't want to fall over or anything drastic. Everything keeps changing from day to day a little bit and it's hard to tell what tomorrow will bring..

Hopefully it will bring fun. And merch. Because I'm a huge merch nerd. And also friends. Because that would be cool. And hopefully I won't forget to introduce myself to Tori this time. lol

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Bowling Adventures and A LOT of Crying

This entire month has been extremely hard for me emotionally and physically and I've been completely drained and worn out. My friend invited me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding so the past few days I traveled to South Dakota to stay with her. It's so surreal how time changes and certain things seem like they never have. I don't think I deal with change very well. I like for certain things to stay the same and the things I would like to change never do.

I met new people while I was in South Dakota and reunited with old friends. The last night I was there I talked to Nikki's roommate and we ended up going bowling at 2 a.m. because he had a key that he can use whenever he wants. I'm not sure if my life is just that boring or if it was actually a cool experience but I thought it was the coolest thing in the world to get to go to a desserted bowling alley at 2 a.m. and bowl in my pajamas with a stranger.

I ended up staying awake that night until 4:30 a.m. talking and it was so great to be able to socialize with someone even though I didn't really know them. I was happy just getting to be in a new environment and feeling like I could be myself without being judged.

Fast forward to today and I miss it. I  think what I lack here is mostly friends and getting to go out and do fun things. I could always go out by myself but there isn't as much to do here, and let's face it.. being by yourself can get boring really fast.

Being in South Dakota in a way was basically like torture but it also forced me to grow I think and I know that's really important because sometimes I'm stuck in these feelings and I can't move or break certain habits so I slip into the same patterns.

I think I might go back this summer depending on how it goes and how I'm feeling. I already feel sick again but I'm doing my best to stay healthy so I can keep doing fun things and avoid the hospital. I've done a lot of music stuff this month and actually wrote a new song today about my recent experiences and basically everything I've been feeling lately. It's good to be able to write and release things.

I can't wait for June and I'm looking forward to what new experiences that could bring.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

I Need to Know You

Have you ever just seen a person on the street or found their blog on the internet and felt such a profound connection where you feel like you need to know them? Like there's a reason that you two were brought together and you can't help but try to pursue it to see where it goes.
I find myself feeling that way so much. I don't know if it's because I don't have a lot of physical friends since everyone has moved onto adulthood and the responsibilities that come with it, or just because I haven't found those deep connections that I've been longing for yet. Everyone fits into certain pieces and has certain qualities that clash great with my personality but I'm looking for meaningful and tough conversations. That's not to say my current conversations don't matter to me, it  just seems like it's so hard to find people that are open minded enough and willing to take the time to have conversations that change the way you think.
Maybe it's because they've been hurt, maybe they're scared. I've always been amazed by how the human brain works and how we make connections with other people. What keeps us together and what makes us fall apart? How do we have that instinct that just lets us know when someone could be good for us and when someone isn't? How do we distinguish those feelings and make choices?
I find myself too often on social media finding profiles of different people who I'm immediately drawn to by the way they think or emote. It's remarkable to me that in this day and age it takes the click of a mouse to find someone you could be compatible with instead of the old school trips to the grocery store or meeting someone at a bar. It's not to say that those things don't still exist, because they do, it's just interesting how relationships evolve with social media.
The hardest part is trying to connect to people who already have a large following. My biggest problem is that most of the time I'm interested in getting to know people that just so happen to be popular. Maybe it's because they're cute, maybe it's because they work on interesting projects, maybe it's because they're a friend of someone else, but is it ever because of who they are? Is it ever because of the way they think or express themselves that they gain such a following. I often wonder these things.
I wonder how to break down those roadblocks and start conversations. So much of my life is spent online to find the qualities I miss out on due to my health concerns and being in the hospital so frequently. I can't help but always long for something more or something more interesting. The same way that people form relationships offline. I form more of mine online. And it's harder now. It's harder to show your personality through 140 characters and a picture. It's hard for people to want to take a chance on something they don't know.

Saturday, January 17, 2015


2015 has been a busy year so far! After wrapping up the vocal class I took from Berklee Online in 2014, my life has been extremely chaotic. I haven't felt like I've really accomplished anything and time is slipping away. I've had a few scheduling conflicts, primarily with appointments that have had to be rescheduled or canceled and a few health hiccups, but I'm really hoping to record now and I'm trying my best to make sure this will be the best EP I could ever imagine. There are a few surprises I'm working on and I may be able to announce more within the coming weeks, but I want you to know that I'm extremely excited and ready for everything to come together.

As far as the website goes, I'm taking a little hiatus from my shop so I can focus on my other projects right now. My Patreon is ongoing and I'll continue to put out monthly videos as much as I can. Having said that, I'm about to get recording right now as I speak for this month's video. Excited to share with you what I've been working on!

I hope all is well with you!